For a Fitter Santa

For Immediate Release

North Pole

December 12, 2012

Santa Claus was diagnosed today with Type II Diabetes and told to cut back on carbs and eliminate cookies and whole milk from his diet. He was also advised to walk more and ride on the sleigh less, according to an anonymous source at the North Pole Medical Center, where Santa was admitted several days ago for observation.

In a follow-up exclusive interview at Santa’s headquarters, Mrs. Claus told this reporter that Santa had been listless and putting on weight for months.  He was suffering panic attacks, having trouble sleeping and worried that he would be unable to make his annual Christmas deliveries on schedule. “He was snacking way too much and was complaining about having no energy.”

Mrs. Claus noted that the Elves had expressed concern a week earlier when Santa failed to produce a complete itinerary of stops on Christmas Eve. He left out so many of the good little children who should have been on the list, they had told her.

The reindeer, too, had complained to Mrs. Claus. Donner doubted they would be able to achieve liftoff. “Santa weighs a ton,” Donner had confided. “Even if we do get him in the air, I’m not sure we can keep him there.”  And, Rudolph added, “I’m afraid I won’t have enough energy left to light my red nose to guide the sleigh that night. It could spell disaster if the moon isn’t bright.”

“Well, when I heard all that,” Mrs. Claus said, “I simply had had enough! I told him he had to see a doctor, and putting it off until after the New Year was not an option. But the good news is that he’s now on medication and has lost 50 pounds in the last week.”

When asked at today’s press conference how he had been able to lose so much weight so quickly, Mrs. Claus told reporters that she had put him on the Reindeer’s diet, mostly raw carrots, supplemented with fresh wild salmon and green vegetables. “He’s gotten most of his energy back, corrected the itinerary and by Christmas eve should be pretty much able to squeeze down the chimneys without getting stuck.” She paused. “How embarrassing would that be?”  With that she laughed, then added: “All you parents out there, think healthy and leave Santa a raw vegetable snack on Christmas Eve. No more cookies and milk.”

Yes. It will be a Merry but hopefully more healthy Christmas after all.

David Carr, Senior North Pole Correspondent